im about as happy as oj after his trial
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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