Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
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