The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
