The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
