I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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