absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
