I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
only you would photoshop your dick
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
