Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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