Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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