I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
