just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize
