Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
