I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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