Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
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