I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Randomize
