i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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