Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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