Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
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