dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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