I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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