Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
