I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
