Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
