I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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