I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Randomize
