ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
