You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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