I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Say something about gay babies.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
