After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
