Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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