So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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