take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
