I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
