I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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