i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
