I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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