Ketchup is God's man juice
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
