I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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