she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Randomize
