The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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