my sisters under your porch take her home
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
