My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
