3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
