I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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