He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
