I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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