I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
