sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
