I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Randomize
