I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Randomize
