I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
