Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
My cat gives me a boner
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
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