Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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