I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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