Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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