you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
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Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
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My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
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