Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
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I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
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